Pissing on trees

In the act maintaining any relationship there are boundaries that must be established.

A co-evolution of what that means to either party is necessary. There are always 2 or more parties – with 2 or more different ideas of  what is correct. But in reality, nothing in life is correct. A fundamentalist will fail at any real relationship because they think there is 1 way to do things, when there are almost an unlimited smorgasbord of ways to do this thing called life.

I’ve made many mistakes in this arena of creating boundaries in relationships and I’m bound and determined to figure out why. Relationships are such an intense part of what makes me, and most likely every living creature, tick. When we enter into a relationship and fail to create the proper boundaries, our most ancient fight or flight responses tend to take over and create problems in that relationship.

So in our romantic relationships we start out without a care in the word, happy that a wonderful person has become part of our lives and is making it sparkle again. After a while we may start to get irritated at all the little things that our partners do that seem to infringe on our personal space or time. The person hasn’t changed, only our perceptions and feelings about them have. The lack of boundaries, and by boundaries I can also mean agreements, can create endless misconceptions.

What drives us to criticize the other instead of examining the self? When we feel criticized, we feel that our partner is passing moral judgement on us. If we don’t at least acknowledge that we are unreasonable creatures, ruled by hormones and neural networks, than we can’t begin to work on the real issue.

We need to learn to speak the language of the heart instead of solely the language of the mind, logic. Logic reasoning can delude us into thinking that relationships can be completely logical, which they cannot.

I will simply say this: Reason can be used to justify almost anything. Using logic as a tool gives the user a sense of moral superiority and holiness, and they may imagine the other  as a person lacking in logic. So I don’t think it is the best tool in our toolbox. It creates hierarchies of control. He who has the most logic wins.

I believe our subconscious is the only compost pile that can really break down our lives and create a nutrient rich fertilizer. The answers are there, but our minds have so many mazes that sometimes we end up running around in circles until we let go and let grok.  As we break down the raw detritus of our lives within our subconscious, we also need to be working on reconciling our conscious lives with our core beliefs. The solutions to our problems can’t all be based on either logic or emotion, we need to find the balance.  Discarding hubris, we enter into real relationships within and outside of ourselves.

A fence is there to keep something in or something out. My life as an animal farmer is made up of a lot of fence work. Even in the relationship between my animals and I, we are still establishing a certain amount of understanding – they have a sense off where they are supposed to be and in general they stay put. If they really wanted to be elsewhere, they have the capabilities to do so. Most animals can escape their fencing if they really want to. So there has to be a level of understanding there – they know I will be there for them as long as they are where I left them. In reality it’s much more complicated then that. It isn’t simply putting up fence and walking away – it’s a daily maintenance situation, a constant monitoring of what is going on with them.

Establishing respect and understanding in a personal relationship is a little like making those fences. To an extent dependent on our own personal wishes, we do need our personal space, and we do need our personal lives – and we need those who we love to respect whatever it is that makes us tick.

Since in reality we don’t want to build fences around ourselves or create impenetrable shells, establishing relationship boundaries is a little more like a metaphorical pissing on trees. It’s important to inhabit the space that makes you happy – your happiness creates happiness around you. My happiness is essential to creating happiness throughout my circles.

 

 

 

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